Things are different, life changed, only one thing remains.....

"As I Strive to be" has long been left behind. Not that I had nothing to say.... just have been posting it on Facebook. As my title shows, life has changed. Not all changes were for the better or done on purpose. Some changes, while very difficult and painful, had to be made. Could I have done a better job handling things....? Sure. Could a lot of the pain been avoided? Maybe. It's done. No changing THAT now, so we move along and make the best of it.

I am now divorced... again. I am 45, two divorces behind me, 17 credits shy of my AA Degree and wishing I could finish, regret things that were done and gone or that need doing or saying but being unable, and slowly realizing that Multiple Sclerosis is stealing everything from me that I have used my entire life to define myself. I am adrift in the sea of life clutching my flotation device and praying it doesn't 'pop'.

While MS has stolen a lot from me, I am now safely in a relationship with a man that supports me and is going through it WITH me, not leaving me to cope alone and then being angry with me when I fail. It isn't a perfect relationship, but how could it be when the two people involved are not perfect. Perfection does not exist EXCEPT within Jesus Christ. That is the ONE thing that has remained, my love of Christ. I am NOWHERE near where I should be spiritually speaking. I acknowledge that. I have been living with said man for a little over 3 years, and we are not married. (Pausing for the *gasps* sure to come forth.) I do not regularly attend church. I regularly frequent a pool hall to play Texas Hold'em (not a sin), occasionally consume alcohol, and am a steady user of Marijuana for medical reasons though it is not yet legal in my state. Jesus still advocates for me, God still loves me, and the Holy Spirit still ministers to me. I try to not judge people, to love all unconditionally and STRUGGLE and STRIVE to be the best version of myself I can be without making waves. Waves could capsize my little floaty.

Love me, pray for me, and think of me often. While things are different and life has changed and will constantly change whether I like it or not, one thing remains... I am me... and Jesus loves me.